Let's Talk About... Shyness

August 11, 2015

You wouldn't think that someone who posts pictures of themself online several times a week would characterise themself as shy, but that's the inconvenient truth. The thing is, that I can put on a brave face and talk on camera about my dressing habits, throw a flea market and represent myself as a fashion blogger, but at the end of the day, I'm the shy girl in the corner, desperately looking for some friend to show up, so I wouldn't have to talk to strangers. 
I don't want to call it social anxiety, because I know that it's not, and putting a fancy name on it would be unjust to those who actually suffer with anxiety. But I want to talk about it on the blog, because maybe then I'll have a constant reminder to make my voice heard and actually say something audible and senseful, when in a new situation. It's also not about low self-esteem, I've never had a problem with it and at times, I gravitate towards selfishness. Just ask my friends. It's just about being shy and I don't want to be. 
I'm currently doing work practice at a national radio, in one of the coolest shows there is and even though I've been told several times by friends and teachers that I have a great clear radio voice and a pleasant tone, then when it's my turn to speak on the show, I can't seem to find that voice. All I can manage is something polite and not that confident. And right when I've finished speaking, I can tell that I could have done it better. Too bad live radio doesn't have second turns. 
The same is with new situations, new people and places - I'm not afraid what I'm thought of, but I just can't seem to cope with new people, starting a conversation from nowhere and making friends. I don't really like to socialise with friends of friends, in a mixed gang I usually hang out with people I know and I'm not that brave to go and introduce myself to someone new. To hell with it, I have awesome friends and don't need new ones! This is actually one of the reasons I'm going abroad for this semester. In addition to studying cool stuff, I want to throw myself into situations where I'll have to socialise, be active and vocal and get over this shyness of mine. 

Räägime pisut... häbelikkusest. Ei arvaks, et inimene, kes postitab endast mitu korda nädalas internetti pilte kirjeldab end kui häbelikku, aga nii see on. Asi on selles, et ma võin küll kaamera ees esineda ja oma riietest rääkida, kirbuturu korraldada ja ägeda moeblogijana esineda, "Eesti tippmodelli" salvestusel Meelis Tomsoniga Marimellist klaase kokku lüüa nii, et poodiumil kõndivad modellid meie kätele komistavad ja draamakuningannat mängida, aga lõpuks olen ma ikka see tüdruk, kes ootab kuskil nurgas, et sõbrad peole jõuaksid, et ei peaks võõrastega rääkima. 
See ei ole kindlasti sotsiaalne ärevus ning ma ei taha oma häbelikkust ka nii kutsuda, sest see oleks ebaaus nende suhtes, kes päriselt ärevuse all kannatavad. Aga ma tahan sellest blogis rääkida, sest võib-olla siis on mul mingi meeldetuletus kuklas, et end kuuldavaks ja julgemaks teha, kui mõnes uues olukorras olen. Asi ei ole kindlasti enesekindluses, sellega pole mul kunagi probleeme olnud ning kohati kaldun isekuse poole. Küsige kasvõi mu sõpradelt. Asi on lihtsalt selles, et ma olen häbelik, aga üldse ei taha olla. 
Olen praegu lühikesel praktikal Raadio 2 hommikusaates, mis on üks kõige ägedamaid raadiosaateid üldse ja kuigi mulle on öelnud nii sõbrad kui ka õpetajad, et mul on hea ja selge raadiohääl, ei suuda ma seda millegipärast õigel ajal üles leida. Kui on minu kord rääkida, ütlen selge häälega midagi viisakat ja kena, aga mitte meeldejäävat ning kindlasti mitte väga julgelt. Kohe, kui olen rääkimise lõpetanud, saan aru kõigest, mida oleksin pidanud ja saanud teisiti teha. Kahjuks otse-eetris teisi katseid pole. 
Sama asi on uute olukordade, inimeste ja (töö)kohtadega - ma ei karda seda, mida minust arvatakse, aga ma lihtsalt ei oska olla kohe alguses ülevoolavalt sotsiaalne, tühjast kohast vestlust alustada ja uusi sõpru saada. Isegi seltskondades, kus on sõprade sõbrad, kipun ma ikka olema enda inimesega ja naljalt ei lähe kellegi poolvõõra juurde juttu tegema. Pekki, mul on nii toredad sõbrad ja mul pole uusi vaja! Kusjuures see on üks põhjuseid, miks ma otsustasin semestriks välismaale minna. Lisaks sellele, et ägedaid õppeaineid võtta, tahan end sunniviisiliselt visata olukordadesse, kus ma pean suhtlema, aktiivne olema ja enda häbelikkusest üle saama. 

8 comments :

  1. hey piia! I think it's great that you want to be active about something you don't like about yourself. it's a lot easier feeling sorry for yourself and always go find excuses (can't/won't/don't need/etc.). "throwing yourself out there" sounds like a good plan!

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  2. Where will you be going abroad lovely and when will this be happening? I think you seem very confident, but even for people who aren't shy it's difficult to go up to people you don't know or to put yourself in a situation that isn't familiar to you because it's the fear of the unknown that stops many people from going all out! The fact is practice makes perfect and if you feel like a fool along the way, then join the group! ;)

    Heba xx || The HebaBloglovinInstagram

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    1. I'm going to the Netherlands in about a week and staying there for half a year. Thanks for the support!

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  3. That's exactly how I am! I'm very much an introvert. I don't mind taking photos and sharing my fashion goals but to actually interact with new people is scary. I have two groups of friends, one group introvert friends and my other friends are all extroverts. It's so interesting how different socializing is with them! Shyness isn't bad, IMO only if you let it restrict you from furthering your goals!

    coffeeslag

    COFFEESLAG What's In My Bag

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    1. That's true! And having such different groups of friends will definitely help you :)

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Thank you for all of your sweet comments! :)